The Fuck​-​Up

by Sonic Rainboom

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What I love most about Trixie is rooting for her to work past her fear of closeness, and actually open up to somepony without immediately pushing them away. This arc of hers has been going since Boast Busters, where Twilight was one of the only ponies to become aware of Trixie's underlying self-doubt and loneliness, which she normally hides behind a mask of attention-seeking braggadocio. Exposing that side of herself was very difficult for Trixie to do, and I suspect her guard was lowered because of the mortal circumstances. Twilight then made it even worse, playing right into Trixie's two biggest fears, simultaneously demonstrating Trixie's clear talent deficiency, and alienating her from the ponies that before had been so adulating. It's no wonder Trixie fixated on Twilight. It wasn't just jealousy. It was fear, revenge, and somewhere in there, a desire to prove herself to Twilight, because Twilight is clearly the first pony in a long time whom Trixie has opened up to.

Add to this the fact that I think Trixie suffers from impostor syndrome, and maybe a bit of a Jonah complex, too. Simply put, Trixie feels deep down that she is more inadequate than she is, and is deathly afraid that somepony will find out. In order to prevent this from happening, she settles for mediocrity, or sabotages herself in subtle ways. It's why she never does anything truly spectacular, and why she settles for the phony affection of a rapt audience, while pushing away anypony who may be a real friend. This, naturally, conflicts with her desire to prove herself to and/or get revenge on Twilight. I think it was also a contributing factor to her depression and suicide attempt in the third act of No Second Prances.

These feelings really whirl into a maelstrom of neurosis in No Second Prances. I can't see why, at first, Trixie's friendship with Starlight couldn't have been genuine. But as the episode went on, Trixie found more and more evidence to convince herself that it was all another performance on her part. She found out that Starlight was Twilight's pupil, and there's no way she couldn't have recognized her opportunity to get revenge, which planted a seed of doubt. As time went on, the sheer fortuitousness of Trixie's friendship with Starlight weighed on her, and her greatest fears all crashed together. There's no way she could ever perform Hoofdini's trick. There's no way she could be better than Twilight at something. There's no way a unicorn as skilled, and sanguine, and powerful as Starlight could ever want to be friends with Trixie. There's no way, unless Trixie manipulated everything so this would happen, and it was all an act. The only way out, honestly, was to admit it. She would make Twilight feel terrible, she would continue in mediocrity as an illusionist, and she'd protect Starlight from being friends with a manipulative pony who didn't really care for her at all.

But I think, there was that part of Trixie, deep down, that wanted to believe that wasn't true, that wanted Twilight to respect her abilities, that wanted to succeed at illusion, that wanted to be Starlight's friend. And when her neuroses conspired against her, I think that's the part of her that decided to go forward with the Manticore trick, because a life-time of self-sabotage had left her with nowhere else to go.

This is why I like to write music. In this tune, all of that wall'o'text up there is summarized in three minutes of singing. Writing essays is so much harder, because you have to be so explicit, but in music you can use implication and oblique references to capture a whole idea in just a few words.

I'm pretty darn happy with this tune. The lyrics aren't the strongest they could be, but it's still so cathartic. I've actually had the first half of the first verse written down since, like, 2012, and only just now realized a way to get them into a tune, which makes me really happy.

Holy hell this is long; Should I wrap this up? Probably. Big shout-out to Francis Vace, who did the vocals for this tune. As I was working on the lyrics and ideating the direction, I realized, "If Frank doesn't do the vocals for this tune, it really won't be able to happen." I'm so grateful to him for putting in the time to make this tune possible.

lyrics

Verse 1:
Let's play a game, a
Game of pretend.
You can be you, and
I'll be anyone but me.

You may have noticed; I'm
Getting defensive. It's
'Cause I can take only
So much honesty.

That perfect little princess with her
Perfect little crown.
I can't stand the thought
That I did not keep her out.

Before I ever met her,
I was finally in control.
Now my life's a fucking mess,
And I wish it was her fault, but

Chorus:
I am the fuck-up.
The self-saboteur.
It's no mistake
That I hurt you before.
And I don't know
If I ever said
That I was sorry,
And I wish I was dead.

Verse 2:
Don't you think our meeting
Was a bit coincidental?
Am I back to my old tricks,
Or this time is it real?

She'll say I can't be trusted.
And you'll know eventually.
But in case it doesn't come from her,
It might as well be me,

To show you...
I can't be trusted.

Chorus x 2

And I wish that there was someone
To save me from myself.
Is it you?
Can it be you?

credits

released July 25, 2016
Artwork is Trixie's Hardships by SymbianL:
symbianl.deviantart.com/art/Trixie-s-Hardships-487508217

Francis Vace's channel:
www.youtube.com/channel/UC9ShCWBBjLBMOdB7UEtSZaA

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